I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
