i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
