my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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