Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
