I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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