i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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