She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
