she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
