you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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