So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
