She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
