Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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