my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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