His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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