i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Redeem this text for a blowjob
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
