my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
