Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
