I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
