i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
