margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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