Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
