I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
