one might say we're banned from that church
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
