So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
