i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
