Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
