dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
