yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
