Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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