Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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