just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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