this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
