you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish you could order shots online.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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