You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
