i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
