Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
