My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
