her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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