dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
