Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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