Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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