Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
