I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
