when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
