Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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