It was confusing and full of hummus
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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