i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
