If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
