this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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