my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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