You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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