dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
